Why I Hate the Word "Sorry"

"Can you tell me something? Be completely honest, okay?" I tried to keep my tone even as my heart raced in my chest. "Do you still love me?" Deep in my heart I knew the answer already. things just haven't been the same between us recently. It was as if a huge glass wall blocked me from him. I could witness the emotions changing, but I on the opposite side of the ever-growing glass could do absolutely nothing. There was a long pause; his answer came in a slow, sluggish response. "I..I'm to mixed up right now....I can't tell." Translation; no. "I'm sorry" this was his typical response. by this time I now loathed the word 'sorry' especially when it came from him. They're so warm and trustworthy so you let them in, but they soon enough turn into cold, glistening knives once they are close to your heart. I could even now feel the latest one sinking into me. I wanted so badly to trust it, to open myself up to its warm glow, but I knew better. I decided to take the less fatal blow, I ignored it. All the years practiced to hold back my most bitter tears now payed off. "Wait till later" I told myself. Now I could only wonder why. There are other guys, ones that wouldn't tear my heart into shreds, or make it beat so thunderously. So why do I keep coming back to him? Why is it that I always see his face when I'm falling a sleep? Don't I deserve better? I hurt from the pain he has inflicted on me, and I suffer because he doesn't love me. Pathetic! I wish I could just erase myself, be an illusion to everyone. No agony, no questions, no love, no hate, and no confusion.